Writing

collection of my poetry and short stories

Instagram Free = A Better Human Being (At Least For Me)

As I'm sitting here in my apartment anticipating the drop of Drake's new album much like all the other soft ass bitches in the world, I realized its been a real minute since my little stubby fingers has strolled through the Instagram world. And to be honest I don't even miss it. I deleted the app earlier this year and have yet to have it back on my phone for this pure reason - I am a better human being for it

Instagram is bullshit and will continue to make people think and create even more bullshit in their lives. I stopped posting on my personal Instagram for that pretense because my mind was being cluttered with garbage that fucked me up all the time. I would find myself being the worst critic of anyone and anything that past through my feed and worst of all I was obsessing over bitches who have no type of impact on my life. 

Does it really matter that my ex liked this girl's picture? Or follows this person that I don't like? Better yet is it even remotely important that my side piece got a new pair of shoes and was stunting it for their 2,000 something followers? Nah. None of that shit matters and will continue to not matter when we pass on. And the only reason why any of us do it (including myself) is cause we have been ingrained to gain some sort of validation in tearing down and stalking these people we follow. But what the fuck are we really validating? Nothing but insecurities with ourselves and judgement towards others who are wandering the world just like us. 

So when I say I became a better person by dipping off Instagram I am basically saying in a nutshell that we need to stop caring about shit that isn't going to affect us in the long run. Cause everything is so temporary and life is a wonderful fleeting journey that should be spent doing things we love and not hovering over a phone screen. Let's not waste time comparing, obsessing, stalking, and scrolling through fragments of someone's edited life. I don't know y'all, maybe its time to grasp shit that's actually real like ourselves. 

Mother Of Mine

I'm afraid for her as much as I fear for myself. I fear that I will be plagued with these same battles my mom stubbornly refuses to let up. I fear that she would make me her commander in these long drawn fist fights that I refuse to fight. Cause I'm tired and worn out too. I'm tired of fighting the battles my mom has created for me at a young age. Battles that have left me so mentally fucked that sometimes I wonder how I'm still functioning. 

But that is what happens when your mother looks at you with disappointment and hope. The odd combination of "What did I do to make you turn out this way" and "You have the highest potential to be better than yourself". Those are the two parallels I've always fallen into and to be honest, shit is never going to be different. As the days go by and her face is worn from years of wisdom, I'm scared my mom will leave this physical world without confronting herself. Confronting the notion that she may be mentally ill and that her mind doesn't collapse once in a while when she thinks about what her life use to be. That is what I fear that my mom will one day, sooner rather than later won't be able to recognize herself and have closure. 

2015: Year In Recap

Hello.

I know it's been a while but I'm back. I contemplated doing another post like this but since I've been in a reflective mood I decided to look back at the glory that was 2015. First and foremost...damn. What a fucking year it has been. I haven't experienced so many life changing events in such a short amount of time (both good and stressful). But would I ever take it back? Nah. Regrets have never been part of my personality. Yet beyond that I feel without any of the bullshit or circumstances leading up to bullshit I wouldn't have met the most important person up to date. ME.

2015 to me at least was not about the pondering and reflecting of the drunken nights, places travelled, or even people fucked. This year was truly the reflection of who I really wanted to be. Not to the world but to ME. Who the fuck I wanted to be for myself. 

Looking back I can't pinpoint a single moment where I should have been angry or disappointed. Despite a lot of stressful circumstances, I firmly believe that every situation and person that was introduced in my life was meant to show me something. You know, teach me a lesson, ground me, humble me if you will. And for that, I'm extremely thankful. 

Being away and disappearing (like literally dipsetting my ass out of any type of human interaction), I've learned the wonderful and haunting grace that is being PRESENT in the world and finally meeting myself. 2015 was all that. Facing issues with intimacy head on, understanding my perplex views on relationships, and really, and I mean really understanding the concept of loving someone and forgiveness. Cause in reality, I'm going to be in this body and head space for the rest of my life and I'm kinda tired of making excuses to not make it the best that it could be.

So yeah, this was my 2015. I can't even constitute this as a recap but more of a brief introduction to who I've become the past year. Whatever I've become or becoming, I am extremely fucking grateful that I am here...finally. 

Beloved

I'm just drifting into the small cracks of my life. The small hidden places where all my seeds reside and are slowly coming into the surface. I see it. The not so distant light that always plague me with fear and heavy eyes bursting with sadness. I live here now. I live in the dark damp places where the seeds have found its mother, its rightful home. Sprouting in the midst of chaos and nurtured by foreign clouds, I see growth. Where did they come from? What is their purpose for feeding these spaces in my life which I have denied and kept in spider webs. Who knows. All I know is something is being birthed out of life and the only words I can whisper is "Beloved".

Kuan Lei

Hard days will always come but you're always reminding me that even though there are days when you just want to lay in bed and give up, we must always rise to the universe. I learned love by watching you get up at dawn for work and making us feel like we had everything even though some days we had nothing. Although you only have a limited elementary school education, your views on people, life, and love cannot compare to any book I've read in school. 

You remind me every day to keep trying and to keep surrendering to life and it's beautiful possibilities. Even when life gets hard and I feel super unworthy of love, I'll always remember the moments in my teenage and early adult life where you remind me that I am beautiful, powerful, and capable beyond limitations because I am Lisa Lei.

To my  beautiful, courageous father...I love you.  I thank the universe every day that not only do I have your eyes, optimistic views on life, but that out of everything that I could have been in the world I became your daughter. 

Lisa LeiComment