Writing

collection of my poetry and short stories

Posts tagged pondering
2015: Year In Recap

Hello.

I know it's been a while but I'm back. I contemplated doing another post like this but since I've been in a reflective mood I decided to look back at the glory that was 2015. First and foremost...damn. What a fucking year it has been. I haven't experienced so many life changing events in such a short amount of time (both good and stressful). But would I ever take it back? Nah. Regrets have never been part of my personality. Yet beyond that I feel without any of the bullshit or circumstances leading up to bullshit I wouldn't have met the most important person up to date. ME.

2015 to me at least was not about the pondering and reflecting of the drunken nights, places travelled, or even people fucked. This year was truly the reflection of who I really wanted to be. Not to the world but to ME. Who the fuck I wanted to be for myself. 

Looking back I can't pinpoint a single moment where I should have been angry or disappointed. Despite a lot of stressful circumstances, I firmly believe that every situation and person that was introduced in my life was meant to show me something. You know, teach me a lesson, ground me, humble me if you will. And for that, I'm extremely thankful. 

Being away and disappearing (like literally dipsetting my ass out of any type of human interaction), I've learned the wonderful and haunting grace that is being PRESENT in the world and finally meeting myself. 2015 was all that. Facing issues with intimacy head on, understanding my perplex views on relationships, and really, and I mean really understanding the concept of loving someone and forgiveness. Cause in reality, I'm going to be in this body and head space for the rest of my life and I'm kinda tired of making excuses to not make it the best that it could be.

So yeah, this was my 2015. I can't even constitute this as a recap but more of a brief introduction to who I've become the past year. Whatever I've become or becoming, I am extremely fucking grateful that I am here...finally. 

Playgrounds

Maybe my sentimental self is coming out after a glorious 24 hours of being 24 or maybe I'm having my own moment of clarity. Regardless, I'm learning to navigate parts of my soul yearning to be held. Nourishment.

Is it our age that makes it incapable for us to commit? Or is it the fear that people won't accept us at our weakest? To me it's both and both ideas are heavily tied to our expectations of what vulnerability should look like and how it should be navigated. First and foremost, I want everyone to drop the word "should" from our theories of life, inner peace, love, pursuit of happiness, sex, and food (like Hot Cheetos). Why? Because...*sighs annoyingly*

SHIT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK OUT THE WAY WE WANT 

To literally create a checklist and have someone fully accomplish all those things is not only unrealistic but painful. No one not even yourself will ever be able to check everything off. No matter how much you try, run, skip, whatever...you will fall and fail. And it's okay. It may not feel okay but you will be okay. Cause when you fall and look at your skinned knees, bloodied knuckles, and dirt covered nails, you will see the world more like a playground than a battlefield. 

Vulnerability is not easy. It's not easy giving anyone that key to that dark space. But what do you expect to happen when you let someone walk in? That they are just going to glide in and magically know what the fuck to do? That they are going to Google maps their way around? Nah. Wrong. 

Entering any sacred space is not an easy. Matter of fact, it's going to be quite painful in the beginning and will sting like hell. But let people wander anyways. Because the moment you pull them back or shut yourself down, you're only building more walls. And what's there to love about a wall? What's there to see beyond concrete? Nothing. It's just another large area of mass shielding our souls from nourishment. 

So when people bump the walls, stub their toe, and curse out their frustrations in vain...forgive them. Forgive them and love them anyways for it. Because to let someone in on the journey, to open the door and have something really stir your soul, you have to let them create their path. 

Waves

All my fucks are exhausted today.

Ever sit at the office, bedroom, or park and just stare off into space and think to yourself about all the people you've outgrown? I recently came upon this thought when I started pondering (what I've been doing a fucking lot) on all the people that use to be in my life. Granted a lot of these people I still love and adore from afar but I think I've hit this ceiling of fucks where I can no longer well, give a fuck about their feelings.

And I mean this in the best of ways, really...I do. It's not my lack of love for them that keeps me from caring but my own movement in the world that is keeping me from staying in the same place. I think we've all hit this point in our lives where we are just tired of dealing with the same bullshit and staring at the same shit all the fucking time. I can only look at the Chicago skyline for so long before I get in my feelings about all the places I want to visit, all I people I want to meet, people I could be fucking, and delicious food I could be trying. Home is great, people at home are great, everything is so fucking comfortable and great. But this doesn't make me feel great. And the people who use to make me feel great? Make me feel paralyzed.

But in all reality, it isn't their fault. It's no one fault that life moves in that motion. Life is nothing more than a series of waves. Crashing and cleansing, taking things away and clearing out the clutter to give you another reflection. All in all it sounds beautiful, scary, devastating, and liberating all at once but I'm just kinda drifting on the current. Aware of my new reflection but sad to see the fog of my old self slowly drift back into the open skies. I guess this is what the new life crisis looks like. Like a bunch of hopeful individuals just floating on bodies of water, staring face first into their new reflection.