Writing

collection of my poetry and short stories

Posts in Cubicle Curse
Thinking out loud

So your girl sucks at posting and I'm sorry. But your girl is also turning 24 years old in less than a week *squats down and throws obscene hand gestures* So please forgive ya girl as she slowly starts to piece her life together. I don't know why I keep referring to myself as "ya girl" but whatever, I'm here now and it all that matters.

With just a few days left of being 23, I want to make an attempt to break down some of the walls built by my old self. Starting with me addressing the person or inspiration behind the "Cubicle Curse" series. Why? What's the point? Cause well, why the fuck not? Life is too short not to be vulnerable right? So I guess here it goes. 

You were the main inspiration for all my writings this year. From all the good and bad, you've re-carved this door back into my life. I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "This bitch is doing the most" and cringing while reading this but whatever, fuck you (not really lol). Yes, this post is about YOU and I'm sure you know it by now. And yes, it seems odd that anyone or even I, would dedicate a whole post to you but how else can I express myself? So to the best of my abilities let me show you all the words I've been trying to string together.

You may not think your existence in my life is significant but to me you shook my world and took away all the debris. Never have I met someone like you and I'm thankful that I'll never meet another person like you. You've said it yourself, "when you know you just know" and I knew for a very long time that for whatever reason, you were going to shift something in my life. So I thank the universe for that and how throughout all the most difficult circumstances I was able to meet you. And I want these words to echo in your head whenever you think about yourself. There will never be another you and even if you don't see how important of a human being you are, let me be the first to let you know. You my dear, are an extremely special and a magnificent human being. Your heart is big, your generosity boundless, and your love a spectacular reflection of everything you do, try to hide, and trying to be. I appreciate you. I adore you. But most of all, I see you for everything that you are. Good or bad, light or dark, unmotivated or passionate, just thank you for being you. 

I wish I was better with words but I feel like if I don't do this now I'll never do it. And trust me, I've probably rewritten 6 different versions of this post trying to make it sound as poetic as it could be but atlas this all that I got. 

Cubicle Curse Series: Bonding

I thought about you a lot when I was in the high peaks of the mountain. I left my safe job and home to be here in the blistering cold. It's cold up here and all I see are dead fields and patches of snow. But I danced in the empty field anyways. I could tell my friend was worried by the way she ran towards me. "Careful! You'll shatter!" she screamed. 

She knew I loved you before I even realized it.

But you aren't here. And I can't seem to cry at the idea that you aren't here. All I see are the once lush trails and the jagged stones peaking from the sides of the mountain. I could smell the last of the fall leaves and the hint of burnt wood near the exit. My heart was still. 

Suddenly we are back in the cozy loft and my friend is asleep in our little twin mattress. I could tell she was dreaming of you for me. The way she tossed her body and how her hand suddenly held mine. Sweat beaded from our palms as she gripped my fingers. "Loosen up" I whispered. But she held on even more. 

She knew I loved you before I even realized it.

But you still aren't here. And I can't seem to stay awake to have you linger in my thoughts. All I see are the dirty pots and pans stacked in the kitchen sink and the little old lady walking alone on the sidewalk. I could smell this morning's breakfast of scrambled eggs and Canadian bacon, faintly but still lingering on the curtains of our window.

I thought about you a lot as I sat on the patio smoking my cigarette. I remembered how you use to toss the hair away from my face and how you took long drags from my cigarettes. "I'm saving you from cancer" you would say jokingly. My friend opened the patio door and kissed me. I could tell she wanted me to feel secure by the way her kiss lingered on my forehead. She traced my lips with her fingers and held me close to her chest, "Your heart is beautiful, why isn't he here?" she asked sobbing into my hair.

I picked myself off her chest and returned her kiss. I held her face in front of mine and screamed...

 

 

to be continued

Cubicle Curse Series: Often

I often wonder if you still think about me at two in the afternoon

In between the coffee breaks and the constant surge of people calling your name

Or do you now think of me at two in the morning?

When your bed is warm and your body pulsates with rum

 

I often wonder if you still remember my perfume

The way it lingered in your bed and how the scents of

Lavender

Cinnamon

And burnt vanilla

Danced around your room

Whispering “I wish we can stay like this forever”

Or do you leave the windows open?

Cause the scent of your own sick makes you dizzy with pain

 

I often wonder if you still hide in the same places

If the

Deserts

Treehouses

Mountain tops

Still open their arms for you

Do they still cradle you?

Ask you about the forgotten treasures in your hiding place

The first shadow you cast in spring

Or the first time you ran away from home?

Do they still care?

Do you still care?

Are you still hiding?

 

I often wonder why I even wonder about you

In between every ray of light and spaces in the dust

Or have I fallen for your mirage?

The pristine version of your worth

When your shadow no longer haunts you and you actually get up to try

Cubicle Curse Series: Temple

My body is a constant reminder of all the frailties I desperately try to hide from others.

My eyes are blacken and sore from numerous early morning exchanges between myself and my ego. It tells me how much it loves me when I get a glance from the crowd but also how much it hates me when I choose to lay in bed alone. 

My back is scarred and knotted from all the things I never said, wish I said, thought I loved, and from things I thought loved me. It tells me I am beautiful, extraordinary in a sense but nevertheless few steps short of perfection.

My lips are weather-torn and bruised, darken by the words I hold in anger, bleeding from the words I scream, and soften by the melodies I sing. It burns with the traces of my former lovers and the dry remains of intimacy. 

My hands are bleeding and stained with ink, the walls bleed and weep with expectations as I remove the bricks from its home. It crumbles in my hands and turns to light, freedom...freedom. 

I am fragile but I am enduring. I am fragile but I am learning. I am fragile but I am loved. I am fragile but I am peace. I am fragile but I am human.

Cubicle Curse Series: Sea Foam Bed

If I could, I would make beautiful, beautiful love to your soul

Dive in like the wondrous ocean that engulfs our world

Whisper melodies and place my ear against your lips

Tell me what keeps you up at night

Tell me why you fall in love

Tell me why you feel so incomplete

Let me be your rock by the river bed

Let me be the soft breeze in the air

Let me drift like the sea foam that kisses the ocean as it leaves

If I could, I would tell you why you make my heart thunder in the rain

Why when I look at your eyes

I feel my soul echo every need…every fear…and struggle I’ve tried to hide

Be my dark cloud

Drift in and out as the storms pave its way

Be my disaster

Crush everything in my sight

Be my storm

Wash and destroy all of me