Writing

collection of my poetry and short stories

Posts in BE
November

There was no screaming, yelling, or apologies. I half expected us to have a shouting match but we looked at each other and nodded in appreciation. I'm sure the entire bar felt our reunion. I remember my friends telling me that whenever we were both in the room, everyone would feel our intensity. We would glow in each other's presence whether we were aware of it or not.

 I must admit, you brought out the best in me. I truly loved you even when my words stuttered in fear trying to express it or when I was too stubborn to return your kiss at the bookstore. The best thing about us was that we were so similar. Too carefree about details that needed to be completed and too stubborn to admit when we wanted to be loved more. We were both the same to the point that we stopped trying. 

You took up so much space in my head and heart. 

But it's been forever and all that space that I had for you I have created for someone else - myself. And it took some time because I didn't want to give you up. Typical Lisa. Stubborn and petty. Always trying to make every "no" to a "yes" without the consideration of reality. But I could honestly say that giving you up, I finally understood what all those stupid Drake songs meant and what people have been singing/writing about for the first time in forever. You reintroduced me to me and for that I am so thankful.

I am so proud to have loved you.  

Carving You In

My hands are scorched

My flesh peeling away

I can still smell you on my body like the remaining embers of a forest fire

I'm limping, holding my chest, trying to keep myself from spilling

All the flowers from my head blossoming and scattering with the ashes

You're watching me

Fleshless, crawling, the delicate wings on your back crashing onto the pavement

Hands on the ground, you carve yourself in

Digging onto the grey, hot ground you bury yourself with silent whimpers

Echoes of a past you try to rewrite and a present you are trying to survive

I have no more love to give you

You emptied me dry

I have no holes to help you dig

Skin to cloth you

Hands to finish your story

I am nothing but a carcass of my old self

2015: Year In Recap

Hello.

I know it's been a while but I'm back. I contemplated doing another post like this but since I've been in a reflective mood I decided to look back at the glory that was 2015. First and foremost...damn. What a fucking year it has been. I haven't experienced so many life changing events in such a short amount of time (both good and stressful). But would I ever take it back? Nah. Regrets have never been part of my personality. Yet beyond that I feel without any of the bullshit or circumstances leading up to bullshit I wouldn't have met the most important person up to date. ME.

2015 to me at least was not about the pondering and reflecting of the drunken nights, places travelled, or even people fucked. This year was truly the reflection of who I really wanted to be. Not to the world but to ME. Who the fuck I wanted to be for myself. 

Looking back I can't pinpoint a single moment where I should have been angry or disappointed. Despite a lot of stressful circumstances, I firmly believe that every situation and person that was introduced in my life was meant to show me something. You know, teach me a lesson, ground me, humble me if you will. And for that, I'm extremely thankful. 

Being away and disappearing (like literally dipsetting my ass out of any type of human interaction), I've learned the wonderful and haunting grace that is being PRESENT in the world and finally meeting myself. 2015 was all that. Facing issues with intimacy head on, understanding my perplex views on relationships, and really, and I mean really understanding the concept of loving someone and forgiveness. Cause in reality, I'm going to be in this body and head space for the rest of my life and I'm kinda tired of making excuses to not make it the best that it could be.

So yeah, this was my 2015. I can't even constitute this as a recap but more of a brief introduction to who I've become the past year. Whatever I've become or becoming, I am extremely fucking grateful that I am here...finally. 

Thinking out loud

So your girl sucks at posting and I'm sorry. But your girl is also turning 24 years old in less than a week *squats down and throws obscene hand gestures* So please forgive ya girl as she slowly starts to piece her life together. I don't know why I keep referring to myself as "ya girl" but whatever, I'm here now and it all that matters.

With just a few days left of being 23, I want to make an attempt to break down some of the walls built by my old self. Starting with me addressing the person or inspiration behind the "Cubicle Curse" series. Why? What's the point? Cause well, why the fuck not? Life is too short not to be vulnerable right? So I guess here it goes. 

You were the main inspiration for all my writings this year. From all the good and bad, you've re-carved this door back into my life. I'm sure you're sitting there thinking, "This bitch is doing the most" and cringing while reading this but whatever, fuck you (not really lol). Yes, this post is about YOU and I'm sure you know it by now. And yes, it seems odd that anyone or even I, would dedicate a whole post to you but how else can I express myself? So to the best of my abilities let me show you all the words I've been trying to string together.

You may not think your existence in my life is significant but to me you shook my world and took away all the debris. Never have I met someone like you and I'm thankful that I'll never meet another person like you. You've said it yourself, "when you know you just know" and I knew for a very long time that for whatever reason, you were going to shift something in my life. So I thank the universe for that and how throughout all the most difficult circumstances I was able to meet you. And I want these words to echo in your head whenever you think about yourself. There will never be another you and even if you don't see how important of a human being you are, let me be the first to let you know. You my dear, are an extremely special and a magnificent human being. Your heart is big, your generosity boundless, and your love a spectacular reflection of everything you do, try to hide, and trying to be. I appreciate you. I adore you. But most of all, I see you for everything that you are. Good or bad, light or dark, unmotivated or passionate, just thank you for being you. 

I wish I was better with words but I feel like if I don't do this now I'll never do it. And trust me, I've probably rewritten 6 different versions of this post trying to make it sound as poetic as it could be but atlas this all that I got.